The Worst Thing Matt Ever Said

“You’re kind of a fixer-upper.”

I’ll give you a moment to let that sink in. Please keep in mind that a guy who, at the time, was choosing to date me said this. To my face.

I should have dumped him right then. It was really a fairly accurate portrayal of the relationship. We would fight, he would sigh like a martyr, and he would make the conclusion that it was all my fault, obviously, but he was just going to have to put up with me because I was, you know, three years younger and obviously incapable of rational thought. “You’re kind of a fixer-upper,” was uttered at the end of one such fight.

But, instead of dumping him, I think I just stood there and looked pained. He back-pedaled a little. Not much. He tried to explain that he meant I was a “work in progress.” That didn’t sound much better to me.

I think the thing, probably, that hurt so much about this was that he’d just thrown one of my deepest insecurities right up in my face. I feared that I would always be this second-rate, mediocre person, in need of a whole lot of help and maybe never able to meet my potential.

I heard, “I might love you someday, but right now, you’re not good enough for me.” I heard, “You are a piece of crap that people only put up with because they can’t find anyone better.” I heard, “I am getting out of this relationship as soon as I do find someone better. But since I’m banging you, I guess I’ll stick around a while.”

The shit of it is that I believed him. Sure, I was mad, but I believed him about the supposed fact that I was a “fixer-upper.” I honestly had come to the conclusion that I wasn’t good enough for anyone, even the asshat standing in front of me, comparing me to a crappy house.

It took years to get over that. Not just the worst thing Matt ever said, not just the relationship, but the feeling that I was never good enough, and that everyone who loved me really only did it because they could get something from me for a little while, and then they would move on when they found someone better.

So I think that makes Matt the winner. Prize of Worst Thing Anyone Ever Said To Me goes to the esteemed Matt. I’m sure he’s honored.

9 thoughts on “The Worst Thing Matt Ever Said

  1. If it’s bad, then I am bad too. 😉 For a couple years, I was filled with an unholy rage every time I even thought about him.

  2. I am struggling to find an ounce of Universal Positive Regard for Matt. What a horrible thing to say. Ramona, it’s times like that that I wish we could ignore the hurt and hit back with snark like, “Well, Matt, I’ve measured twice and you don’t measure up at all, so I’m cutting once and hitting the road.”

    I had a guy I was seeing tell me that the reason he simultaneously got with someone else was because, “after being in that old bad relationship, now having all you women interested in me makes me like a kid in a candy store.” I swallowed back the tears and told him I wasn’t this week’s Milky Way bar. I left and managed to hold back the crying until I was home.

  3. What an asshole. The Jerk used to call me “foul” quite a lot, and I struggled with that for months (years) after my stupid ass broke up with him.

  4. Jerk. You are not foul. Unless you’re being foul on purpose. In that case, you win at being foul. 😉

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