I’ve recently learned that all four exes are married. It took a little stalking on my part, but hey, nobody’s perfect.

Joe married Skipper and they created a spawn, as you know. I am regularly subjected to Facebook posts of their baby doing things like slinging food around and picking her nose, and this is supposed to be adorable.

Luke, as you know, married his weird hipster girlfriend and also spawned. There are very few pictures on Facebook of this spawn. They’re probably all on Instagram instead.

Matt married the first girl he dated after me, which I guess I can’t fault him for. (But I sort of do.) And now they have twins. Pretty much the only time he posts about them is when they are vomiting, so you know, I don’t find them that adorable.

And I just found Shane. Yeah, in a dick-move, ex-girlfriend, full-on stalk, I found him on GooglePlus, clicked on all his contacts, and pieced together that he is married. To a PhD. A pretty one. Goddamn it.

I will admit here that I don’t particularly like any of The Wives. They are physical manifestations of everything I failed to be. They are perky and adorable and thin and smart (well, some of them are), and they are, I’m sure, better wives for my exes than I would have ever been. If I were a charitable human being, this would probably make me happy and peaceful. Since I am me, it makes me sort of snarky. Not bitter, exactly… just… vaguely itchy in the hate corner of my heart.