It’s been literal years since I’ve posted here, and I’ve spent time being alone, not alone, and in a one-sided love that is all too familiar. The list of exes is now much longer than four or five, depending on how you define “ex.”
Today, I’m thinking about the people I’ve missed out on in the past few years. It’s not regret, exactly. More like curiosity.
Virginity seemed like a really important concept for all of my teenage years and even a few years into adulthood. I grew up in church, learning that you don’t have sex until you’re married because that’s how God wants it. I never questioned it. It seemed to me that the people I knew who were having sex had made life really complicated for themselves. Read More
I’ve often asked myself why it seems I can’t manage to be single for any real length of time. Since Joe and I became boyfriend-girlfriend when I was 14, it’s really only been a matter of months of singledom for me in between long monogamous relationships.
I read an article this week that shifted my worldview a little. It said that the reason people decide to break up is usually because one person sees a promise of something better. It’s not directly because that person is unhappy or fearful in their current relationship. Unhappy, fearful people stay. Read More
Joe and I did not have the kissing thing quite down. Most of the time, I got bored with it quick and sort of just hung around not to hurt his feelings, and then scampered off gleefully when it was over. He was my first boyfriend, my first kiss, and I was only fourteen, and I just assumed this was the way it was supposed to go. Read More
Matt often blamed himself for being my corrupter. It’s true that before he and I met, I was clinging to the last threads of my growing-up religious philosophies. And it’s true that sometime in the course of our relationship, I loosened my grip and began floating in the weird world of agnosticism. But it’s not true that he corrupted me. That was completely my own doing. Read More
If you’re looking for some great blogs on the humor of relationships (you know, besides this one), check these out:
Soon2BeCatLady – Sharing adventures of modern online dating. Hilarious, in that way where I’m so glad it’s not me.
[A card and letter from Shane, written just after we met for the first time, unedited and with only a few comments from the peanut gallery… that would be me.]
Front of card: I want a sensitive man.
Inside of card: One Who’ll Cry When I Hit Him. Read More
I’ve told you all about the worst things the boys ever said to me. This one’s a little harder to write, though. I am not blameless, which I try to be honest about here. I’ve done some pretty rotten, crappy things to people, and especially to the exes, probably because things get messy when love is involved.
Shane said to me, more than once, “You’re just so damn independent.” I think he mostly meant it as a compliment, but he always said it with the slightest tone of frustration and maybe wistfulness.
I spend a lot of time on this blog thinking about what I said and did and wishing I might have said or did something a little different. I also spend a lot of time trying to decide what I’d say now if I had the chance, and what better chance than Valentine’s Day? In honor of the occasion, here are the Valentine cards I wish I could send my exes.
I suspect Luke recently got dumped again. I’m reading between the lines because it’s not like it’s all over Facebook or anything (and that’s the only communication I get from him nowadays), but I’m pretty sure.
In my daily life, there’s relatively little chance that I’m going to run into any of the exes just walking down the street, but sometimes I wonder…
When I was about 11, I was absolutely convinced that I should have had an older brother. I needed one. He would protect me from all the evils of the world and I would not be the oldest (and, to my mind, most neglected) child in the family anymore. Of course I knew it was impossible, but I wished really hard for an older brother. Prayed for one even.
